Transitions, Behind-the-Scenes, and Buckets

Hey! This is my first post. I’m ecstatic you’re here and are willing to share this virtual arena with me. I want this blog to be an extension of the therapy space where I can share more about what’s been on my brain as a therapist and fellow human-being. My hope is to strike the right balance of personal stories and professional insights about relevant topics. Plus pass along resources for books, worksheets, practices, podcasts, and anything else I can get my hands on to further help you. So, here’s what’s been on my brain:

Transitions! I know many of you are aware I have left an established clinic to start my own practice. Starting my own practice was a process and a series of smaller transitions that did not happen overnight. My transition into my own practice is a good-enough example to tie all of the information in this post together. There were parts of my transition I know you could see, however, there was a lot of behind-the-scenes work that was my responsibility to care for. 

A starting point for the behind-the-scenes work was acknowledging and accepting there is a wide spectrum of transitions that we are constantly navigating. Sometimes the spectrum of transitions is too big and vague to the point where acknowledging it becomes overwhelming. Yup- I’ve been in this overwhelmed place before. My first step in coping with feeling overwhelmed is to use a grounding skill like paced breathing to help calm my nervous system. Once I have calmed my nervous system down I have a better shot to do the second step, which is trying to find my best-fit words to break the transition down into something easier to wrap my mind around. Taking time to find the best-fit words helps with identifying which part of the transition spectrum we are on and gives us a better chance to get our relational needs met when we talk about the transition with others. 

I like the task of finding the best-fit words for any situation and I start by reaching for a dictionary to see commonly accepted definitions of a word. Using commonly accepted definitions grounds me in the present moment while allowing flexibility to explore the contrast between a literal and lived experience of a definition. So instead of being spun up in my head’s lived experience definition of transition as “uggghhhh big scary process filled with too much uncertainty,” I bring myself back to Planet Earth with Merriam-Webster Dictionary’s definition as “a change or shift from one state, subject, place, etc. to another.” From there I could reach for the thesaurus side of Merriam-Webster to find an even better-fit word. Some of my thesaurus options include: “transformation;” “adjustment;” “shift;” “modification;” “metamorphosis;” “re-vamping;” and “change.” “Change” is the only synonym that came from my own personal dictionary instead of Merriam-Webster. I like the word “change” because the word links me to one of my personal beliefs: that the only constant in this world is change. 

My only criteria for finding best-fit words is that it has to float your boat. For example, words that offer a level of precision float my boat when talking about a transition. I like using dialectical words to describe transitions such as desirable/undesirable; reversible/irreversible; and periodic/non-periodic. Others find general words like big/small; one/many; and fast/slow floats their boat. Words can be helpful with your transitions and it’s best to use words that work with your brain.  

Another part of my behind-the-scenes work was dealing with big feelings. For example, I had forgotten how closely excitement was related to anxiety. The excitement/anxiety combination started off like having two of your fingers crossed🤞🏻. The emotions feel so close together like it’s hard to separate the two out and so similar where it feels like one emotion is interchangeable with another. I had to spend time slowing down and get reacquainted with how each emotion shows up in my body. Slowing down and checking in with my body helped uncross excitement/anxiety and start putting a small amount of space between the emotions. From there I could use my brain to coach myself through what was happening and find ways to pick excitement over anxiety. Glennon Doyle talks about her excitement/anxiety combination with the word “scited” in her first episode of her podcast “We Can Do Hard Things.” 

I did have moments where I couldn’t pick excitement because my anxiety was too big. Big anxiety typically started with something happening that was outside of my control. My therapist (yes- I practice what I preach by seeing my own therapist) gave me the homework assignment of “circles of control” as a way of reminding myself what I have control over. A friend of mine provided me with a variation called the “buckets of control.” There are 4 total buckets. First, there is the “Things I Control/Have Responsibility” Bucket, and things like showing up for work, caring for a beloved pet, and maintaining our homes belong in this bucket. Second is “Things I Have Influence Over, But I’m Not Responsible for the Outcome” Bucket. Things like politics belong here. You can influence politics by voting and getting active with your local legislature, however, your actions might not get you the outcome you want. The “Things I Don’t Have Control Over” Bucket includes things like the weather. Hate to say it, nobody has control of the weather. Finally we have the “Fuck It” Bucket (“Chuck-It” Bucket if you don’t use swear words). This bucket isn’t about anger, indifference, or not caring. This bucket is for the things that you need to radically detach from for the preservation and/or betterment of your well-being. 

Finally, the part of my transition into my own practice that you saw was my own toolbox of coping. Some of the things in my tool box included are: 

• Body movement that is mindful and allows my physical being to process through feelings
• Sustained body nurturing through craino-sacral work and nutrition
• Leaning into my community of people that included faces from unexpected places
• Leaning into my inner community, or the parts of people I cherish that I carry with me
• Humor
• My mantra to hang in there without making things worse for myself or those around me
• WiseMind, Radical Acceptance, and Dialectical Thinking from DBT 
• Kindness towards myself and others 
• Engaging with my sense of a higher purpose and
• Petting the best orange cat on the planet

So there you have it! Something that’s been on my brain. I hope this finds you well. Know that I see you and I’m rooting for you. Take care of yourselves and each other.