Self-Compassion

Hey everyone! It’s good to be back. July was pretty tough and took more out of me than I expected. That month was all about just getting by, making sure I had the basics covered, and staying in touch. I didn’t have my usual energy for hobbies or writing, but I’m thankful to be back to normal now and I know exactly what I want to chat about this month. 

Self-Compassion

Something that got me through my tough July month was exploring the topic of self-compassion. Let’s start by defining compassion. My definition of compassion is “sitting with.” Think about how we would want to show up for a friend who just lost a beloved pet. Our friend might prefer a friend who can sit and witness their feelings. Someone who can sit with and give a compassionate response filled with kindness, care, warmth, and support. 

My July musings brought me to one of the pioneers in the research of self-compassion. Dr. Kristin Neff, PhD is a University of Texas at Austin Associate Professor of Educational Psychology. Her interest in Buddhism and self-compassion led her to research the topic, developing a theory and scale to measure it over two decades ago. Her 2003 articles spurred over 5000 studies, making her an influential figure in psychology. Dr. Neff has authored numerous books about self-compassion. She describes self-compassion as “compassion turned inward.”

There are 3 core elements that are important to self-compassion:

1. Self-kindness: Being kind and understanding to yourself in moments of suffering or inadequacy while offering warmth and support rather than self-criticism. This fosters a safe mindset for coping and change.
2. Common humanity: Recognize that suffering is a universal human experience that connects rather than isolating us when we face difficulties. 
3. Mindfulness: A mindfulness practice allows us to approach suffering with balanced awareness where we are neither suppressing nor exaggerating it. This allows for acceptance and prevents over-identification with negative thoughts and feelings.

Busting Self-Compassion Myths

One of my favorite things to do is bust myths, and self-compassion is a topic absolutely laden with them! Just like many other areas of mental health, self-compassion is often misunderstood and surrounded by misconceptions, particularly those steeped in judgment.

What exactly do I mean by “judgment”? For me, judgment is that extra layer of information we pile on, which unfortunately takes us further away from the truth. These judgments can spring from a variety of sources: our past experiences (even if they have no bearing on the current situation), deeply held beliefs, or even what we perceive as the “best” interpretation of the situation at hand. And what is “truth” in this context? It can refer to the present reality we are actively experiencing or the actual, inherent nature of the subject we’re discussing.

Dr. Neff addresses many of these common myths on her website. She meticulously debunks these pervasive misunderstandings, helping to clarify what self-compassion truly is and isn’t.

Here are some of the main myths she tackles:

• Self-compassion undermines motivation: False. Self-compassion fosters sustainable motivation, unlike harsh self-criticism.
• Self-compassion lets me off the hook: False. It encourages responsibility by creating a safe space for self-reflection.
• Self-compassion lets me feel sorry for myself: False. Self-pity isolates; self-compassion connects and empowers.
• Self-compassion is self-indulgent: False. It’s about meeting needs to be effective for others, not pampering.
• Self-compassion is the same as self-esteem: False. Self-esteem is conditional; self-compassion is unconditional kindness, especially in failure.
• Self-compassion is selfish: False. Self-compassion enables greater empathy and support for others.
• Self-compassion makes me soft or weak: False. It builds inner strength and emotional resilience by acknowledging pain with kindness.

Ways to Grow Self-Compassion

It’s hard to learn anything when you don’t have the right reasons or motivation. Some reasons why you should build self-compassion include having greater resilience, improving your emotional well-being, and gaining greater life satisfaction. Also- being hard on yourself doesn’t work! Being hard on yourself reminds me of the saying “cutting your nose off despite your face.” Lean into these reasons as motivation to build a self-compassion routine or get back in the groove if you find yourself out of practice.

I suggest you start by exploring self-compassion through experts like Dr. Neff (website, videos) and Tara Brach, PhD (guided meditations). If it’s easier to begin by extending compassion to others and then turn it inward, try some of these other resources for teens and parents and individuals in romantic relationships.

Cultivating self-compassion involves active practices and is akin to building muscle at the gym: consistent practice and challenging yourself leads to increased strength. Here are some suggested self-compassion practices:

1. Supportive Touch: Physically comforting yourself, like placing a hand over your heart, calms the nervous system and fosters feelings of safety.
2. Changing Critical Self-Talk: Transform your harsh inner criticism into understanding and encouragement. I want you to speak to yourself as if you would a friend.
3. Self Compassion Break: Use this time to help you remember the 3 components of self-compassion, which are self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness. See this above earlier in this post.  

Your Call To Action

So there you have it! Something that’s been on my brain. Make it a goal to explore your definition of self-compassion and find a small practice to make into a part of your daily routine. Or be the bad-ass with kicking some myth-butt. Regardless, I hope this finds you well. Know that I see you and I’m rooting for you. Take care of yourselves and each other.